Entry No. 37: Presence In The Present

It feels weird to be able to talk about this because I feel like we have been holding this secret in for so long but…. We are having a baby boy ! After over a year of trying to conceive, as my husband likes to say, “ We finally made one stick! ” I don't even think that I can begin to wrap my head around how to describe this last year and a half and all the emotions that went along with it. I knew I always wanted to write a blog post on my experiences trying to conceive because it was one of the worst periods of my life . The disappointment, the pressure, the longing, the heartache, and the fear that it will never happen for you are some of the MANY reasons why. The worst might be the external pressure and advice. While some (not all) people mean well, they have no idea how hurtful or frustrating some of their words can be. “Have you tried not stressing about it?” “Have you tried tracking your temperature?” “Just get drunk and don’t worry about it.” “I wish that was how it was for us. My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant.” “You guys aren’t getting any younger.” “Don’t you want a family.” “Do you take vitamins?” “I can’t wait for you to have a baby.” “Maybe if you have to try so hard you aren't meant to have one.” “You could always adopt.” “You can take one of my kids, they drive me nuts.” “You should be thankful, you can still travel.” “Just stop trying and then it will happen.” And my personal favorite: “Is your husband disappointed with you?” Yes these are all things that real people said to me in my real life. Honestly, it’s a miracle some of these didn’t result in me receiving assault charges. You're welcome for my self control. * smiles with an eye twitch * The most ironic thing about all of it is that with all the pressuring comments people made, it actually made me want to never have kids. Like at all. Which is crazy because of how much I have loved kids and wanted to be a mom since I was a child. Even the smallest amount of water will erode a rock with enough time. I will say the unexpected blessing of being honest about the journey that we were on to conceive is that it allowed me to learn a lot about the people in my life and their journeys as well. By sharing our struggles and feelings we opened the doors to some really honest and vulnerable conversations. Some of our friends and family trusted us with their stories, their struggle to conceive, their loss, and their rainbow babies. It is quite beautiful to be trusted enough by someone with those cherished memories. When the test said pregnant for the first time instead of showing us not pregnant, negative, or just one line we were in shock. My husband's face went so numb he drooled (don’t worry he thinks it's hysterical and is fine that I share that). I think at that moment we were prepared for another heartache . We set up the camera each time we tested to record our reactions so that one day we could show our child the moment we found out about them. We now have twelve very sad videos and one really really happy one. What the process of trying to conceive has taught me mainly about is gratitude . I love our twelve sad videos because they lead us to our thirteenth. Without the struggle there wouldn't be as much beauty in the triumph. While my husband and I are choosing to limit what we share about our child on the internet I wanted to share this post for all the people out there in their parenthood journeys. If you are trying to conceive, can not have children, are going through treatment, are mourning a loss, are thinking of giving up, or are in any other season of waiting: we see you. We know that nothing that we can say can make this process any easier or less emotional. If you need to talk about it, know that w e are here and routing for you. I f you are one of those people with the comments, the nosey, the intrusive, and the pressure to have more kids, less kids, or kids in general: in the most disrespectful way possible, fuck you. Life is hard enough without your pressure and two cents Karen. Maybe mind your business and not everyone else's? To our son, you are wanted more than you could ever imagine. You have been prayed for, dreamed of, talked about, and loved for our entire lives. You will do amazing things. You will be brave, kind, thoughtful, strong, wise, funny, compassionate, and perfect just as you are. We will do everything in our power to love, protect, and guide you to the best of our abilities. You might have to give us some grace, we are new to this whole parent thing. We always knew that God had a plan for you. He knew you would be our 13th try (my lucky number) and be due in the 7th month (your dads lucky number). He gave you extra time in heaven with our family members and I know they don’t want to let you go. We are ready for you when you are a little man. You, our son, were always worth the wait. Love you more, Morgan Check this out Corner: Modern Fertility. Not only was I able to do fertility testing from the comfort of my own home, but all ovulation tests and pregnancy tests can be scanned and uploaded into the app. You can log all symptoms and have it generate clear records for your medical professionals. Best of all, it's free.

If you have been my friend (at least according to Facebook) for more than a year now then you know what this is. If you just met me this year, then buckle up because it's going to be my longest yet since this is the oldest I have ever been (cheesy joke intended). One of my favorite things to do each year is sit down and reflect on the year that I have had and all the things that I have learned during it. I then take all of the emotions, the good, the bad, and the ugly and I share it with you. This tradition started on my 21st birthday and today marks SEVEN years of this tradition, time is flying. Thank you to everyone who took time out of your day to wish me a happy birthday, it means a lot to me. Everyone should feel special on their birthday. Here are the 28 things that I learned in 2024 in honor of my 28th year of life: 1. When people show you who they are, believe them . Not tell you, but SHOW you 2. Thinking about your situation is perfectly fine, but it will never change it. You can not think your way into a better life, you have to act on it. 3. God told us to love our neighbors, all of them. Even if, no especially if, they voted differently from you. Love doesn’t discriminate. 4. Our feeds and algorithms are making us addicted . We spend hours staring at a rectangle hallucinating and avoiding our lives. What could you accomplish if your phone died? 5. Your words have immeasurable power. I was within three feet of the man who murdered my grandmother this year. I delivered the victim impact statement on behalf of our family in front of him. The officer told us “that in all of his years, he's never seen a bully cut down that fast by words.” Don’t let the fear in your voice block you from using it or diminish its power. 6. Purge your social media of people every so often. I do this a lot and will be doing it again come the new year. We share a lot online and not everyone has the best of intentions in “being your friend.” If I wouldn’t go get lunch with you to tell you about how things are going, we’re not friends. 7. How you speak to yourself matters. Have you ever seen the videos where kids in a classroom speak kindly to one plant and with hate to the other? I’ll bet you can guess which one grows better. You are the plant, speak kindly to yourself and drink some damn water . 8. I saw something that really spoke to me. It was a man asking strangers “What would you say if I told you I was going to give you a billion dollars?” People were of course over joyed and said how grateful they would be. The man then asked “What would you say if I told you I would give you the money but if you took it you would not wake up tomorrow . Would you take it ?” Everyone said no. Waking up tomorrow is worth more to you than ONE BILLION DOLLARS . Don’t waste one second of your life. 9. I had to ask many times for people to provide letters of support for the hearing. I had to message family members directly asking them to support THEIR FAMILY MEMBER . I was ignored by people who are “family.” I was given excuses as to why people would try to get to it or couldn't get to it by people who are “family.” If your relative has to beg you to write a paragraph in support of your family member's murder not being released, you are not family . Family is what you make it , not just blood. 10. The reason behind why you are doing something is what is going to keep you showing up for that thing. Motivation is fleeting, but if your why is strong enough you will never give up. 11. The media is trying to scare you or sell to you . Once you understand that the world becomes much clearer. 12. Pets are one of the greatest blessings yet losing them is one of the worst losses. There is something so tragic about losing something so pure and full of unconditional love. The loss does not negate the life. We miss you every day Coopy. 13. Health is the greatest form of wealth in this country. No one is going to come along and force you to take care of yourself. In fact t he system profits if you don’t. But you get one body and the way you treat it impacts your time on this earth. We don’t get back time, so try not to give it away so easily. 14. If someone walks out of your life let them. Its pretty rare that the trash decides to take itself out. Don’t drag it back in. 15. Support your friends and their dreams. If someone I know wants to own a business, or start content creating, or write a book I am there. I will like everything you post, I will engage, I will share, I will help you if you need it and more. Why? B ecause the world is full of large companies filled with greed and not enough dreamers . Invest in small businesses and you invest in US. 16. If you want to make your life better, pick up a book. If you want to hear the most amazing story ever told, pick up a book. If you want to see far off places, start an adventure, learn a skill, battle a dragon, expand your knowledge, PICK UP A BOOK . As someone who read 197 books this year I can not even tell you how much better my life has become since I put down the phone and picked up a book. 17. Stop saving the “special” things in your life for a “special time” to use them. Wear the nice perfume, drink the bottle you have been saving for a rainy day, go to that place you have always wanted to try, adopt the animal you keep saying one day to. Life is too short to spend it waiting for the day to be “special.” Y ou are alive aren't you? That is special enough . 18. Love your friends kids as if they were your own. The world is full of people with bad intentions to innocent children. Protect them, love them, teach them, and help them as if they were your own. Children will not remember the things you buy them but they will always remember how you made them feel . 19. Although it may not feel like it sometimes, you were put on this planet for a reason. The odds of you existing are estimated to be 1 in 10^2,685,000, which is a 1 followed by almost 2.7 million zeros. You are a miracle. Your story was needed on this planet just as anyone else. The same God who made the animals, the planet, the stars, the mountains, and the sea knew the world needed you. Never think of cutting your story short. 20. If your brain does not produce a chemical, store bought is just fine. Don’t punish yourself or think down on yourself for taking any medication to help your mental health. Would we shame diabetics in need of insulin? 21. Start a journal. Doesn't have to be hand written, could be digital. But start documenting your life, your days, your feelings, your beliefs. Don’t wait until you can't remember it. Someone out there is going to want to hear your story, maybe your kids or grandkids . I know I would have loved to hear my grandparent's. Document the little things, for they become the big ones . 22. Try something new. Whether its a food, a movie, a hobby, a skill, etc. Learn all the things that the world has to offer. You just might be surprised at how much joy it brings you. Our brains love to learn and change. 23. Leave things on this earth better than you found them. Even if it is just a fraction better. Leave the world better than you find it . 24. My brother, while I may not always agree with him, is one of the most obstinate people that I know. If he decides that he is going to do something, he is going to do it , whether people call him crazy or not. You could learn a lot from him and his ability to get things done with out being deterred by what anyone around him might think. 25. My mother is a perfectionist, I had to get it from somewhere. I have watched her my whole life spending time to make sure everything is perfect. From the food we ate, the plates we ate it on, our gifts being equal to the penny, cheer goodie bags and banners, perfectly wrapped presents, and missing less than 5 points in college total, and more instances than I can count. Its funny because my mom didn’t need to do any of that, she was always perfect just as she was, for who she was. She was and still is the perfect mom, she's all we ever needed. 26. I think one of the best sounds on this planet is my dads laugh. I love when he's telling me a story and he really gets going and then has to stop cause he's laughing so hard. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t hear that laugh and it is my favorite. Growing up he really taught us the best ways to be happy, even if everything wasn’t going your way. If more people were like my dad, the world would be a better place. 27. Every year I am shocked at just how much more I love my husband than the last. Its funny because I never thought I could love him more. But somehow every day he proves me wrong. I never had someone who I felt like cared for me or my heart before him. But if it makes me happy he will do it. Even if it means listening to hours of a fantasy book series I love just so he can talk to me about it. People read books dreaming to find a man like him. 28. This year although my messages seem negative, I had a great year. But it was also an emotional one filled with learning some really hard lessons. I am still very grateful. Each of these lessons prepared me for the next year of my life and I wouldn’t be the person I am today with out them. My biggest lesson this year is trust your gut. We often make a decision in seconds based on a gut feeling and then spend weeks/months/years changing our minds. Do not. Trust your intuition on these things, it will guide you in the right path. Praying for a great 2025 for all. Filled with love, laughter, lessons, belly laughs, trusting your gut, and changes for the better. Thank you for taking the time to read the words that were on my heart. Love you more, Morgan Check this out Corner: Birthday Cake Cake Pops. It's my birthday, why not ?

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